insecurity is an explanation, not an excuse.

on emotional baggage, and what to do with it.

I write to you as an unwilling witness to this conversation. In my own living room, I’m held prisoner, doomed to third wheel my roommate’s tense Facetime discussion with her boyfriend. I dare not give myself up with facial expressions, I dare not audibly react to the conversation. But I want to scream.

Not just because I’m in an unbearably awkward situation. Not just because my roommate lacks the common sense that some private conversations are meant to be kept private, not broadcasted via speaker on maximum volume. I’m no stranger to this situation, believe me. I’ve witnessed the destruction of a best friendship, and now the First Fight with a new boyfriend.

As most fights go, the content itself is silly. Apparently, he left our place this morning without saying goodbye because he found out she planned to go on a Spring Break, separate of his plans. He has some sort of problem with it.

But I’ve always thought it’s less about the fight itself, and more about what it reveals and how it gets resolved. All I’m hearing is him wanting to avoid the conversation. He says it’s too soon, it’s too soon. He’s worried they haven’t been together long enough to have a first conflict. So, he deflects conversation, expresses his frustration that she’s making him communicate, and finally, he begrudgingly admits this is coming from his insecurity. Specifically, he says he’s just too insecure to be okay with it.

I know his backstory, and I know it might have something to do with the fact that his last long-term relationship involved an ex-girlfriend who was involved in a long-term affair (are they even called affairs outside the context of marriage?)

BUT—ladies, gentlemen, and everyone else—I’m here to remind you that insecurity is an explanation, not an excuse.

The truth is, we all carry baggage with us. For me, I carry the baggage of having been lied to, manipulated, emotionally cheated on, loving a man who simultaneously enjoyed having sex with me and shamed me for having had experiences before him, having selfish sexual partners… among other things. Now, it would be utterly impractical to live my life pretending none of this had ever happened and having expectations that I would never experience these events again. That’s not what I’m trying to tell you.

We can be cautious with ourselves and our hearts without being unfair to the new people who enter our lives. We cannot hold people accountable for the sins of their predecessors.

I learned this lesson the hard way when I realized my history with selfish partners, was making me turn into… a selfish partner. With a guy who’d done nothing to deserve it. Who’d always treated me with care and concern. In the bedroom, he put me first, and I don’t just mean physically. When I asked to take a 15-minute nap, he let me sleep on him until I was rested. And what did I give him in return? I brought all the spite and mistrust from my previous experiences. As he gave and gave, I kept accepting and taking without a thought of reciprocity or equal/fair treatment.

I shouldn’t have ‘let’ him repay a debt I felt I was owed. Our past experiences can guide us, but they should never control us. We shouldn’t allow past traumas to bleed into and contaminate our present and future relationships.

All of which to say, it’s okay to be insecure. It’s natural and it’s irrational and it’s human. But there comes a point when we need to reckon with ourselves and stop using insecurities (and any other quality that stems from past relationships) as excuses. Because they’re not.